This Sucks :)

I'm sitting here waiting for the Ativan to kick in, and I'm feeling pretty down. I figured I have to communicate everything I'm feeling to you, not just the positive, upbeat stuff. Although I had a good day...my line was inserted without any hitch, I had wonderful visits with friends and family, I am feeling very frustrated. I'm already sick of untangling my catheters with the power cord on my pole buddy, I'm sick of pushing it all over the halls with me, I'm tired of this really annoying cough. I requested some cough medicine, and the nurse paged the doctor a while ago to see if I was allowed to have any, but she hasn't called back. I'm annoyed that my room is so hot....I'm just frustrated, irritated and pissed off right now. It is setting in that my life now again revolves around the hospital routine. I worry that I won't make it out of the hospital. I'm not saying I don't have a positive attitude anymore, I'm just saying that I'm human and the thought crosses my mind more than it did the first time around, I guess because I know what a horrible, uncomfortable and draining regimen that awaits me. And I'm sad for myself because I'm 30 years old!! I was finally starting to reorganize my life, get a job, maybe try and find a date :) , and leukemia comes knockin' down the door again!!!!! I'm MAD! I'm sad. I'm frustrated. Who knows when I'll go on a date again? How come all my friends are married/engaged/pregnant? I'm not mad at them or bitter, but I feel incredibly sad for myself. Sure, there must be some reason for all of this, but basically it just sucks. The tears are falling pretty hard, but I feel like I'm entitled to a pity party. :) The only thing giving me some comfort right now is "The Dog Whisperer" playing in the background. Cesar Milan is the best!
I guess the ability to find something that makes me even a little bit happy is what helps keep me going. It's so strange that I can feel achingly alone with such a huge, wonderful network of family and friends, one that seems to be growing by the day. I just wish I could press a button that would put me in a daze from now 'til I'm cleared from the bone marrow transplant, so I don't have to suffer everything. The only good that comes out of going through this again is that I'll have an even greater understanding for other cancer patients and their families, but I'm still really pissed. I think it would be weird if I weren't. I hate that this makes me wonder if anything good will ever happen to me. I know we control our happiness and we make do with whatever hand we're dealt, but just for the record, I think I've been dealt one of the complete crappiest hands ever.
Is it weird that dating is one of the things that worries me the most? I know I have my incredible network, but basically the world is divided into couples, something I've become very sensitive to. You always notice the couples when you're the single one, and as anyone knows who's experienced it, it totally and completely sucks. I guess that's the theme of this blog.....stuff sucks. Deep, huh?
But I don't want you to worry....if I didn't write stuff like this, I think you should worry because that would mean I was holding it all in and it would be getting in the way of Mariano's pitching.
Although it still feels surreal, I continue to ponder the idea that I will not give birth to any children. Guess it shouldn't be a worry if I don't even have a date! :) No, it's not the end of the world, but it's a devastating piece of news to add to the news of a cancer relapse. Some people have written about fertilizing eggs, but after speaking to my Dr. and a friend, I was told that the eggs don't store well, and even if I did, there's no time to go through the hormone treatments and everything that's involved to harvest the eggs. We can't wait on the chemo. So one incredibly huge lifelong dream will go unfulfilled because of cancer. And again, I'm not trying to be bitter, but I'm just saying the truth. It's a huge deal. I fully intend on adopting one day, but I know it's not an easy process.
When I think to the coming months, I'm terrified because I know what awaits. I'm sad because I have to do this again. But I know I have to just take it day by day or I'll quickly overwhelm myself.
Do NOT take this blog as evidence of me giving up, but rather as me giving you my raw feelings on a really shi*** circumstance. I'll sleep, and I'll wake up tomorrow, take a shower, put some normal clothes on rather than this totally annoying hospital gown (hope I didn't flash any of you today!), fix my hair (before it starts to fall out!), do my laps and start another day. I will visit with my friends and family and I will smile and laugh. I will be reminded of why I need to keep fighting and I will do just that. I know these sad feelings will return again and again, but it would be really strange if I didn't feel them. It definitely helps to get them all out on the blog. Sorry if this upsets anyone, but know that I am still full of positive energy and hope. I feel like the sadness compliments the hope...I recognize the gravity of the situation, it makes me feel really sad, but I remember what I did last time to survive and I will fight back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the hula hoop will help too. :)