Friday in Room 477 :)

Hey there everyone! How's it goin'? I'm just sitting here watching one of my favorite shows ("Wheel of Fortune"), talking back to the TV. Some of you know that I actually tried out for it in February...well, even though I DID solve the puzzle they gave me, I didn't make the cut (I'm convinced it's 'cause I wasn't bubbly enough...I think you have to act a little crazy to get on :)--Lori said maybe if I actually made the shape of the letter I asked for with my body, I would have been more memorable). :) In any case, if you get my mom and I to play together, we're unstoppable!!!! Once this crap is over, I'll have to see if I can try out again.

I had a good day--lots of wonderful visitors who had me laughing, smiling, and joined me on my laps! I also had a visit from two beautiful black labs today, KC and Ed. Laura took some pics, so she'll probably e-mail those out sometime later.

My counts really took a dive today...my white count went from 1.9 yesterday to .7 today and my neutrophils (white cells that help fight infection) from 1.1 to .1, so I really have to be careful--no hugging (which is hard!) or handshaking or anything. My platelets are at 19,000 down from 42,000 yesterday. Platelets help your blood clot, so I have to be extra careful not to be my clumsy self, and as I said before, no hula hooping! :) I think they transfuse me with platelets at 10,000 which might be sometime this weekend. As far as my red blood cells, I'll probably need those this weekend also. My hemoglobin is 9.3, and my hematocrit is 26.2...I think they transfuse me at a hematocrit of 25. These drops are expected, but it's still shocking for me to see these numbers corresponding to my blood after so many years of being relatively normal.

I feel tired, but not too incredibly so. This morning I had a little bit of a gross episode (I know, you're thinking, "Oh! Tell me more!!") My nurse brought me my meds (anti-biotics, antifungals (that sounds so gross, like I have foot fungus or something), anti-virals, and something to protect my kidneys). Anyway, I popped them all in my mouth and took a big swig of cold water (I should have known better...always take pills with Coke!!!)--well, some of the pills went down, but half came right back up and I had to spit them back in my cup...disguuuusting. I felt bad 'cause I had to call my nurse back in and she had to look at the cup and analyze what I didn't swallow so she knew what to bring me. Needless to say, I took those with Coke and everything went smoothly.

Little things like the pill incident, having little head and neck aches and just feeling a little blah in general get on my nerves and discourage me because I feel like I will never feel truly well ever again, but then I think about how much worse it could be, and I quickly remind myself that I'm lucky to be doing so well. I try and think of the "glad game" from "Pollyana". :) I know, that's so Disney of me, but my mom and I got to laughing about it the first time I was diagnosed because I was feeling so crappy when I was first admitted, I was shocked by my diagnosis, and I didn't know what to expect. So we decided to play the "glad game" to make ourselves feel a little better, and damn if it didn't work! :) The things we were glad about were soft kleenex someone brought from home (instead of the hospital scratchy tissue paper) and the fact that someone invented Goldfish and Coke, but still, they got us laughing and again reminded us that it could be worse.

So I know things won't be especially wonderful for a long time, but deep down I do believe I will feel healthy again. As I dried my face with the over-cloroxed, mini hospital towel today, I daydreamed about a huge, lush expensive beach towel somewhere near a beautiful beach, and I imagined myself there. I know I will make it there...it's going to be a tough road, but I will DESERVE it when I get there!!!! :)

Yesterday I did 30 laps!! I would have stuck with 25, but Lori was a good influence, and we cranked the last ones out late last night before watching "America's Funniest Home Videos" (does anyone else agree that some of those are just not funny? It looks like the people seriously get hurt!! But there were some funny ones too).

Lori and I were also commenting on the comfort of the evening process in the hospital. My iv machine makes a very soothing, repetitive sound that can probably lull anyone to sleep, the nurses and assistants come in to check on you and bring you water; I guess you just feel well-cared for...not that I want to be here for any reason, but I guess when you are sick, it's nice to have a whole team looking out for you.

I had a really nice talk with my nurses last night (I've had them several nights since I've been here--one is a nurse on the staff here and the other one is an extern, getting ready to finish her last year in nursing). They commented on my wonderful family and friends, and they told me I had a really good attitude. I felt so comfortable speaking candidly with them, and it reminded me of what a special person it takes to be a nurse. I opened up, and told them how I worry more about my family and friends because I am actively fighting, while they can only watch and worry. I told them about how it felt easy to be positive when surrounded by so many caring people. I explained that although I was 30 (and most people look strangely upon a 30-year old living at home!), I felt lucky to be living at home again when I relapsed. I talked about my pups, of course. They listened to everything and were so kind. Not that I don't expect them to be, but it just reminded me how special nurses are. I have lots of wonderful nurses, and the really good ones take great care not only to pay attention to your medicines, your pulse, your blood pressure; they also notice your family, your friends, your emotions. It reminds me of how my mom must have been as a nurse--very thoughtful and caring (except for the time when she opened her patient's window during the winter because the lady refused to take her medication :) )! No, she wasn't abusive, the patient was laughing about it, and anyone who knows my mom knows that humor is a very important medicine!!!

I remember when I was diagnosed in 2005, I wasn't feeling well one day, and one of the nurses came in when I started to cry. It was just the two of us, and I reached down for my toes to stretch a little in bed (yes, Laura, the stretch you always make fun of that you say normal people don't do, but for whatever reason feels really good to me!) and she pat my back for the longest time. She didn't even have to say anything....I cried, she rubbed my back, and it made me feel so much better. If any nurses are reading this (and I know there's a few out there!), even if patients don't always say it, your efforts and your thoughtfulness make the difference between an OK day and a really good one.

Another really long blog, huh? Well, I'll just end with a fortune that Lori got in her cookie (but I ate it, therefore it became my fortune:) ) last night: "Every truly great accomplishment is at first impossible."....hmmmm...well, at first when I saw this, I thought, "that BETTER not mean that conquering leukemia is impossible!" But then I thought, OK, that's silly, and here's what I think it means: just keep trying, damnit!!! How's that for deep?!! And so I will, keep trying, that is, to stay positive, to knock out leukemia again (I'm wearing a new shirt Lori got me: "This is my cancer fighting shirt" just in case anyone forgets). :)

One last thing to leave you with....I don't know if it's the effect of chemo-brain or what, but I got into the shower today with my glasses on :) --good thing I realized right away, and I didn't just assume that the chemo was affecting my eyes or anything, making little water droplets slide down them! I was like "Hmm...something's different" and I was cracking up. Guess I'm a little distracted.

Hope everyone's doing well and this weekend has better weather than last!

Love ya.