Don't worry...this won't be a long one 'cause I'm tired. :) ....famous last words. I actually wasn't going to write tonight, but then when I was adding some "to do" items to my calendar on my phone, I had the bright idea to calculate just how much time I had left here before heading out to Seattle. Only 3 1/2 weeks. Thinking about leaving made me cry, especially because Jameson wouldn't stop watching me. He followed me into the bathroom and lay down so that his body covered my feet, and he just looked at me...I think he knows I'm OK now 'cause he's resigned himself to the couch by my bed, but I feel like he's my babysitter. I'm gonna say it again even though you're sick of hearing it....I'm really gonna miss my boys! Even if Guinness can sleep soundly through a minor crisis, I know he loves me and will miss me. :)
Anyway, so I felt like I needed to write to get some worries out of my mind before heading to bed. Then my phone rang, and it was Ronnie. I hadn't talked to him in a couple days, and although I still felt sad after realizing that Seattle is quickly approaching, talking to him really calmed me down....it is just so funny how timing works sometimes, isn't it? I didn't know that a conversation with my brother right then could have been what I needed, but it was (not that I don't always appreciate your conversations, Ronnie, but you know what I mean). :) When I mentioned the fact that Seattle was only 3 1/2 weeks away, he turned it into a positive and reminded me that the quicker I get out there, the faster I can plow through everything and get this crap behind me (those are my words...Ronnie's much more eloquent). I'm looking at it as a "semester abroad" (except for it's not for school and it's Seattle, not Spain or anything :) ). I will be homesick, but I'll do what I have to do and get back home.
I've been thinking a little more lately about my gene translocation (7;21) which is very rare, as I've written before. It didn't bother me much before, but because everyone keeps talking about how weird it is, I'm worrying about it more. I'm trying really hard to make it into a positive aspect about my leukemia...ok, so my cancer (and this translocation) came back in the first place and that's not good, but it did take 3 1/2 years and it is sensitive to chemo. Maybe my translocation means I will be one of few people to just breeze right through the transplant without any problems, and I will surprise the doctors by the amazing leaps and bounds I take in recovery, and how quickly and well Laura's cells engraft. I much prefer that scenario to any negative one, so I will stick with it!! It's just a matter of distracting my mind each time it wanders into a darker place which I can't help but do after seeing what I've seen with cancer these past years.
So I wished on a star tonight! :) I went outside to listen to the katydids and look at the stars, and I wished for health and happiness and a pleasant time in Seattle....don't worry, I'm not delusional...I know this is no spa getaway, but I hope to get out and enjoy the city under whatever limitations I am given.
I also picked another travel destination for once this crap is over...I saw "Mamma Mia" with my mom and Laura earlier this week, and I have got to go to Greece!!!!!! The scenery is spectacular (and the movie is good too!)....so first Ireland, then Greece, this is my plan. It feels good to have things to work torward.
Remember when I said this wouldn't be long? Oh well, as long as it helps me, right?!! hahaha Let's see...what else do I have to tell you? I am officially neutropenic today which means no more movie theaters, restaurants, salads, fruits, etc...I have to be supercareful about infection so tomorrow when I venture out to my doctor's office and later to the hospital for platelets, I'll wear my stylish mask. They think I'll probably need red blood cells this weekend too, so I'll have to see what my counts are like tomorrow and Saturday before they schedule me to get those. That's about all! I had a good day today (I told you this post would be more upbeat than the last one!). I'm definitely still annoyed that my life is paused again, but there's not much I can do about it except keep my head up, my pace steady and clear each obstacle as it comes (I'm picturing myself as an Olympic hurdler, all style and grace). :)
Hope everyone is doing well. PS Anyone watch "My Boys" tonight? It was particularly funny tonight...I can't believe the season finale is next week!

Hey there!

You miss me? :) I'm doing OK...have had some pretty minor stomach issues due to the chemo, but other than that, I'm doing well physically. My counts are starting to go down, and I'm getting platelets on Friday morning. I've gone to the doctor every day since last Wednesday....Wed - Sun I got chemo and hydration, and Monday I started receiving my growth factor (Neupogen) shot to stimulate the white blood cells.
I haven't been too isolated yet, so I've been able to spend time with family and friends, but I am only now truly realizing what an emotional toll this experience is having on me. I find that I'm quite distracted and unfocused, overwhelmed, sad, pissed off and irritable....just makes you want to come and visit me, huh?! hahahaha I spoke with a counselor today whom I've met before, and it's helpful to get feelings out that I might not have otherwise noted. I think I'm going to ask my doctor about a low-level anti-depressant tomorrow...it's not that I can't get out of bed and do what I need to do, but I think it might help me better deal with everything: how to prepare for Seattle, how to handle leaving here, how to be more patient with my family, how to manage the anxiety of waiting and wondering, how to face my fear of the dangers in bone marrow transplantation, worrying about how my friends and family are doing, how to finance and arrange housing and travel....geez, the list just goes on and on!!!!
I'm just trying to hold on to anything that feels normal right now...watching a little tv, reading before bed, laughing with friends and family, playing with my pups. It's not everything I would like to be doing right now at age 30, and I'm so frustrated by that, but I know all I can do is just take each day as what it is, another day. I've circled a couple things in my Ireland guidebook to help me when I'm feeling really down, places I want to visit, adventures I'd like to try.
I also got some firm dates today for the transplant/chemo/i 131....so here goes...8/26, I go in with Laura for our physical work-ups; 9/16, I get my test dose of the isotope; 9/25, I go to the hospital for my full dose of the isotope...during this time, I will not be able to have contact with anyone for about a week which will suck!; October 3rd, 4th and 5th, I will get chemo (Fludarabine), and on the 7th I will have my transplant. I should be home mid-January...MID-JANUARY!!--and that's assuming everything goes well. I feel like just by writing that, I jinx myself, but I'm just being honest...if there is any complication, I obviously have to stay out there longer.
I'm trying so hard not to focus on the date and the amount of time I will be gone, but it's pretty darn hard not to.
I know this is a tough entry to read, but if it makes you feel any better, it helps me to get it out! :) Though it may not sound like it, I'm still hopeful and I'm still working hard to get healthy for good. Now I think I might go and look for a relaxation CD on-line----great idea, Lori!! Any recommendations, anyone? You know, where they have relaxing music and the people's voices put you to sleep? Nothing creepy, just something to help me relax.
I hope everyone is doing well...I'll make it a point to make the next entry more upbeat!! :)

Hey there everyone! No pictures today...you relieved or disappointed?! :)
All is well here. I'm just giving myself my evening dose of chemo, and I'm feeling well. My counts will probably take about a week to hit their low point, but hopefully I'll continue to be strong and feel healthy (relatively-speaking, I guess). Before I tell you a little more about my day, I just wanted to talk a little about Randy Pausch first. I think I've mentioned him on the blog before, but I honestly can't remember (I blame the chemo for memory loss!). He died today of pancreatic cancer. He participated in the "last lecture" series at Carnegie Mellon, and if you haven't watched it, it's an hour very well spent: http://youtube.com/watch?v=ji5_MqicxSo
I actually wrote him a letter not long after getting out of the hospital, but I never sent it because when I checked his website, I noticed he hadn't updated it in a while, and knowing he was really sick, I though it might not be an appropriate time to send it. Ronnie suggested today that I change it up a little bit and send it to his wife, which I might do, but I also thought I'd include it on the blog...I guess it's my public "thank you" to him for reminding me of the importance of strength and the true purpose in life:

Dear Mr. Pausch, Although I’m sure you’ve received countless letters wishing you well and thanking you for sharing your story, I still felt compelled to write…so you can just add this one to the pile! ☺ When I visited my brother, sister-in-law and sister in Richmond this spring, Ronnie told us about this video we needed to watch. I heard bits and pieces of your story on-line and on TV, but to be honest, I figured I had heard enough stories about cancer in the past couple of years, and I had already met many inspiring people. We had also just eaten a delicious and filling Italian meal at one of Richmond’s best restaurants, and I thought I might fall asleep if I watched anything that lasted over fifteen minutes. But we watched your lecture, and I was really touched and impressed by your message and your ability as a speaker. It made me wish I knew a lot more about computers and virtual reality because it looked like a lot of fun! Alas, I’m much more right-brained, but my brother explained the basics (e.g. what “Alice” meant). ☺ I went to UVA, but my contact with the E-school was solely with the computer lab, because it seemed to be one of the only places where you could go really late at night and still focus on writing a paper…those E-school students never stop studying!! Anyway, your story was even more poignant because many years after graduating from UVA, and only one month after my 27th birthday and receiving my Master’s in Spanish and Latin American Studies, I was diagnosed with acute leukemia. I spent a month in the hospital to do my induction chemo (that’s what they call the first chemo for leukemia), and then I did three consolidation chemos as an outpatient. Because of low blood counts and the frequent need for transfusions, I wasn’t able to work. I went into remission right away and felt well throughout most of the chemo. Although I would never say I’m glad I got cancer, I felt lucky to be able to have a new perspective of life: unlike many people my age, I had the unique ability to step back from a situation and realize what really mattered and what was just extraneous stuff. So almost three and a half years later, I was excited to start working part-time, and to plan a trip to Seattle with my parents, brother and sister-in-law, two sisters, and my brother-in-law. Someone gave me The Last Lecture book, and I finished it on the flight over to the west coast, crying and laughing at your candor and humor. Two days after returning from a wonderful family vacation (Seattle is a beauuuutiful city!), I went to an appointment with my oncologist to have a bone marrow biopsy I requested. A doctor once told me that if he had what I had, he would request bone marrows every 6 months or so, and I have done just that. I went to that appointment Tuesday thinking that something was wrong, but all my peripheral blood counts were still relatively good, so no one was concerned. Well, it turns out I was right. My leukemia relapsed, and I was diagnosed again on my dad’s birthday. I remember worrying sometimes about the cancer coming back, but I told myself there was nothing more I could do to prevent it—if it happened, I would face it and beat it again. So here I am, a couple days out of the hospital, and waiting to figure out where I’m going to have my bone marrow transplant. I’m very lucky to have my sister Laura as a perfect match, but I know I have many difficult months ahead of me. You must be sick of hearing these sad stories, but I think the ending is hopeful. Although I don’t know you, I feel your outlook and attitude is contagious. I’m sure you never wanted to use any experience with cancer to reach out to millions of strangers, but you did just that, and you have touched more lives than you could possibly know. I will keep you in mind while I’m undergoing treatment so I can remind myself of the importance of humor and positivity in the face of what seems to be such an unfair situation. Thank you for sharing your story, Sincerely, Julie Matthews

Anyway, check out his lecture if you get the chance. I promise you will be impressed and inspired (it's almost as good as my blog! hahahahaha).
My day went well. I had another chemo this morning, and I'm giving myself the evening dose of it as I type. I also spoke with several people in Seattle, and we set a tentative date of Tuesday, August 26th for Laura and I to start our work-ups. They will have specialists look us both over to make sure we're healthy enough for the transplant. Once they give me the radioactive iodine and chemo (following the work-up), they will do the transplant (which will probably take place at the end of September). I will keep visualizing Mariano killing any rogue leukemic cells, and I will picture the cute little guys hopping into my bloodstream so my white count comes up following the chemo....I will picture Laura's cells filling up my marrow and engrafting like...hmm...well, like double-sided tape...how's that for a visual?! :)
I'm definitely still scared, and I know that won't go away, but day by day I'll get through the months to come, and it's so much easier with all of your support. Thank you. Love ya.

Seattle, Here I Come!

I think, anyway. We have to call and give them our final decision after speaking to my insurance company, but my experience at Fred Hutchinson was exceptional.
It was a difficult trip in many ways because I was very emotional, but I feel much better now knowing where I will be, who will be watching over me, and what my protocol might be.
The trip out to Seattle, and the first several hours were difficult because I couldn't seem to relax or focus on the task at hand. I cried a couple times and felt pretty down overall. I think traveling all the way out there made the whole transplant experience more real, and the fact that it might be done 3,000 miles away terrified me. I didn't want to like it there (and neither did my mom, for the record! :)) I also kept thinking of how much fun we had last time we visited when we went with the entire family, only a week before I relapsed.
Just when we all needed a little pick-me-up, we met our angel in the form of a very entertaining and funny cab driver. He had us laughing for over an hour as he drove us around Seattle. He taught us how to pass long lines of traffic and cut in just at the right moment, did his very best to show us Bill Gates' house, took us on a driving tour of Microsoft, and told stories and made comments that brightened our day, and changed the feeling of the whole trip. I'm still smiling thinking of him. He'll never know what he did for us Sunday afternoon, but to each of us, it will remain the highlight of our mini-trip to Seattle.
Our hotel in Seattle, the Sorrento Hotel, was beautiful, the weather was amaaaaaazing (in the 70s, I believe...in JULY!!!), and each night we had a clear view of Mount Rainier. Don't worry though...I know that from October through May, Seattle is typically cloudy and rainy, but I love the rain, and I figure that way I won't need to bring my sound machine to help me sleep! :)
Monday we went to Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center, part of the Seattle Cancer Care Alliance. From the beginning, I was impressed. The view alone could have convinced me to go there!!! As you can see from the photo, it's gorgeous! It looks out over Lake Union which was full of boats and seaplanes. There were windows on one whole wall of the waiting room, and there was a woman diligently cleaning each chair. There was a partially enclosed glass section that separates any patient/caretaker who may be contagious from the rest of the patients. Everyone, and I mean everyone, was friendly! We met with Dr. Fred Appelbaum, the executive director, and he spent two hours talking with us. Here's a little about him if you'd like to read up: http://www.fhcrc.org/about/leadership/appelbaum.html He knew exactly who I was, gave me my medical history without much input from myself, and answered all our questions.
Here are a couple details I found interesting, not necessarily important, but interesting. Apparently less than one percent of AML (acute myelogenous leukemia) patients have my gene translocation (7;21). I knew it was rare, but less than one percent?!! I have always liked to separate myself from the crowd in some way. :) He also informed us that there is a 40 percent cure rate for all people (I believe specifically for AML patients) after relapse. The rest of the meeting, I thought about that number. I thought, "hmmm...40 percent....not too great, but it could certainly be worse...I will just assume I am one of the 40 percent". As soon as the meeting ended, I mentioned the number to Ronnie and my mom and dad. Ronnie made me feel much better by reminding me that the number includes all patients, from patients like myself who are young and have been sensitive (or responded well) to chemo and gone into remission quickly to those patients who are 75 and older with various co-morbitities (or risk factors, such as diabetes and heart disease).
One very important aspect of our conversation dealt with my protocol or how they will treat me. Seattle offers an experimental treatment involving iodine I 131 in lieu of total body irradiation, and the way I understand it is that they infuse me with this radioactive substance pre-transplant to help target cancer cells without harming normal cells. It carries much more radiation, but it is not full body radiation...for any questions regarding this, I recommend you contact Ronnie or my dad because as you can see, my knowledge is very limited regarding this right now. The word "experimental" scares me, but after speaking with Dr. Appelbaum, Ronnie and my dad, I feel more excited about it, and I felt convinced that in the end, I need to rely on the experts. I need to educate myself more, but based on our conversation Monday, I feel comfortable.
After speaking with Dr. Appelbaum, someone came in to speak with us about insurance and the financial aspect of getting my transplant done at "the Hutch". I liked him immediately because he reminded me of my cousin, Jeff. He was young and very laid-back, but knowledgeable about my situation. In between explaining the process to us, he talked about surfing, skydiving, and I loved how he kept saying "heavy" when talking about dealing with such a serious situation. He was extremely helpful, yet lighthearted which I think is pretty difficult to accomplish when dealing with someone in my situation. Jeff, we all thought of you, so we considered him another angel on our trip to Seattle...like you were helping to look out for us. :)
By the way, just a little side note: I'm listening to my new favorite song...I'm addicted! Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LHnJGXwr-HU ("I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz). Rachel, thanks for coming over and watching "My Boys" AND for helping me download a bunch of songs...and thank you to Sean for the itunes card!!! Music is definitely one of my principle therapies, and I love adding new songs to make me dance/nourish my spirit/relax, etc. Anyway, as I was saying, the experience at the Hutch was great. We debriefed at lunch down by the lake, and we all felt the same, excited and encouraged by the meeting and tour of the facilities. I still feel an "anxious anticipation" (a very accurate description I discovered in the Hutch booklet about stem cell transplantation), but at the same time, I feel like I need to move forward and in a way I'm looking forward to starting the process because that means it will be over with sooner. I actually caught myself wondering a little bit the other day "why me?" which surprised me because I never really asked myself this question. The more I thought about it though, the more I realized I was asking not "why did you choose me to go through this, God?" but rather I felt curious as to what made this happen scientifically speaking, and also, what was the lesson I should be learning. I guess I will find that out as I keep plugging along.
My second chemo started yesterday, and I feel really good (knock on wood!). I'm doing it as an outpatient, which is nice because I go to my doctor's office in the AM and then I give it to myself again twelve hours later at home. It feels great not to be in the hospital. Plus my white count and neutrophils were amazingly high (for me!) today because of the steroids they give me for anti-nausea, so Aunt Bitsy and I spent the afternoon today at Tysons and running errands. I'm enjoying all the time I have to spend out with the general public!
Also, as you can see by the Jack photo shoot that I got to go hang out with Eric, Paulina, Jack and Mogo last night! Eric and Paulina, the burgers were delish and it was so nice to hang out with everyone. I just can't believe how big my little buddy Jack is! If I had known my white count was so high, I would have been cuddling him all night!!!!
OK, this is really long, so I'm going to sign off. I have chemo at 9 am, and it's 11:40 right now, despite what the blog says. I hope everyone is doing well...hope you haven't missed me too much these past days!! :)
Oh, and here are some photo descriptions. Again, I apologize for the aesthetics of the blog...it's driving me crazy, but I don't know how to fix it...all the pics are out of order, the text is not where it should be and I can't label photos directly underneath them. Ronnie might help me set up my own website, so whenever we get to that, I'll let you know!
OK, here's some photo info: 1)Aunt Bitsy (aka "baby hogger"! :) )and Jack; 2-6)my buddy Jack; 7)Jack cracks up at my mom; 8)Jack and Aunt Bitsy (see what I mean?!--baby hogger!!--and I mean that in a nice way :) ); 9)Paulina enjoying an omelette at IHOP this afternoon...she stopped by my doc's office and then ate with Aunt Bitz and I; 10)Paulina and Mogo; 11-13)Jack; 14-15)views from plane of Seattle area: 16)view from plane sitting at BWI; 17)fireplace at our hotel--it was very cozy!; 18)Salty's on Alki (thanks for the recommendation, Andrew!!)--it was a wonderful brunch...I'll entitle this one "Group Reflection Photo"...for when you don't feel like asking the waiter. :); 19)Mom and Dad at Salty's on Alki...look at that view!; 20)another view from Salty's; 21)our hotel; 22)Ronnie and I looking at view from the Hutch waiting room; 23)Mom and Dad in the British taxi our hotel had; 24)a beautiful flower (I have to give credit to Ronnie for the photo though--none of mine came out!!); 25)sign on fountain by hotel; 26)said fountain; 27-29)views from the Chandler's Crabhouse (near the Hutch--where we debriefed after the meeting); 30)the Hutch; 31)view from the waiting room; 32)view of Mount Rainier on the way to the airport; 33)enlarge this one to see the huge rock climbing wall at the flagship REI--a very cool place to visit if you visit Seattle; 34)toasting our good appointment; 35)talking to Katie after the appointment...wow, 35 photos!!! I'm getting out of control!! :)

Oh! One more thing! Rachel sent me this link today:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/story/2008/07/18/ST2008071802873.html?sid=ST2008071802873&pos=
Check it out if you get a sec! It's about how hula hooping is the "in" thing to do! I
had no idea I was so cool! :) I was just pissed I couldn't do it, so I wanted to practice--looks
like I have lots more practice to do in order to join a club--these people are talented!!!

I'll keep this post nice and short. :) The last one was superlong, but I did have lots to say! Anyway, tomorrow we head to Seattle (at 7 AM!). I will let you know how it goes, probably Tuesday or Wednesday. We get back really early in the AM Tuesday, but I have a couple appointments in the afternoon. Then my chemo starts on Wednesday! Woohoo! :0) Aunt Bitsy is coming back into town to help us out next week which will be fun, despite the fact that I'm getting chemo.
All is well here. I had a delllllllicious dinner at Sweetwater last night with Laura, Pete and Abe...I can't believe how much I ate...one of those awesome rolls, lobster bisque, sprite, coke, wine, almost the entire 7-oz steak, potatoes AND a flourless chocolate waffle!!! Kinda makes you sick to think of eating all that, doesn't it?! It was a lot of fun though, and I enjoyed the food and the company!
This morning I went to the hospital infusion clinic to get blood, and I got to see two of my very favorite nurses whom I haven't seen since 2006 when I had my last transfusion in the clinic. It was good to be able to chat with them, although I would have much preferred to run into them in the supermarket or any other location! Despite the circumstances, my mom and I were very glad to be able to catch up with them. Receiving blood and chemo can be such a social activity, if you're feeling well and have the energy to talk to the nurses as well as other patients. In that aspect, I'm looking forward to all the new people I'll be meeting over the next several months.
Remember when I said this would be short? It's already a little wordy! OK, I'll finish up real quick. :)
I saw "The Dark Knight" yesterday, and it was all they said it would be. I really enjoyed it, but it's definitely too scary for children...I'll admit I even had to close my eyes during certain parts. The hype about Heath Ledger is true also...it's not just posthumous praise. He did an amazing job as the Joker, and the movie made me sad in that sense because we lost someone with great talent when he died.
The adorabbbble dog you see in the photos belongs to Wallace, and her name is Tink Tink. How cute is she?!! Thanks for coming out to visit, Wallace, and for bringing Tink Tink! She's such a sweetie.
OK, I better pack 'cause I have to get up at 2:30....wow, that's only five hours from now. Try not to miss me too much while I'm gone, and I'll write midweek sometime. G'night!

It's Been a While!

OK, well I guess it hasn't been that long, but it feels like it! I mean, I have been to Boston and back and then Richmond and back, so I've logged a lot of miles these past few days! Geez...where do I begin? Let's start with Boston.
Our flights were smooth, quick and uneventful which was nice. Also, my ear felt great!! WOOHOO!! As we walked through the airport (a place I've always enjoyed for people-watching), I felt jealous of other people who were going on vacations, catching up with loved ones, going on business trips. I wish that were the case with us. But something always reminds you that you actually do have it pretty good, considering. When I came out of the restroom to head to the gate on the flight up to Boston, I saw EMTs working on a patient at one of the gates, and of course I thought "I'm glad that's not me or anyone in my family"....another reminder that things can always be worse. I feel like I'm constantly telling myself (and all of you blog readers also :) ) that.
On the way up to Boston, I read up on cancer and fertility in an information booklet someone loaned me that is put together by a nonprofit dedicated to helping cancer patients and survivors who may face infertility (it's called Fertile Hope--www.fertilehope.org if anyone wants to check it out). I wanted to make sure I had some basic information before asking any more fertility questions. I think it was the first time I wasn't reading a book for pleasure while flying, and it felt pretty strange.
It was a gorgeous day in Boston, and we headed to Harvard Square for lunch before our appointment at Dana Farber. I of course had New England Clam Chowder (or "chowdah" as they say in Boston). After lunch, we headed over to Dana Farber. It's hard to explain my first impression of the center because I focused on filling out new patient paperwork, perusing the list of questions I composed, all while trying not to think too hard about the transplant. I know, it sounds like an oxymoron, but that's how I felt. I want to make sure we pick the right place for the transplant, but at the same time, I don't want to think or talk about it...I'm over it...does that make sense? :) The center was very nice, the waiting room was full, and the employees seemed friendly.
When we first met with the doctor, I felt like he didn't want to do a transplant on me. Here's what happened: his first question for us was "Why Boston?" and "Do you have any family or friends here?". It seemed he was trying to discourage us from traveling there for the transplant. As the conversation continued, I realized that he was most likely just trying to make sure we understood the fact that if I chose to come there, I would be there for three to six months, away from everyone and everything that was comfortable and familiar.
We peppered him with questions, and I was a little shocked at one of his answers. I asked how long my "isolation" would last following the transplant, and he told me one year. ONE YEAR! He clarified this by saying that I should not go to the grocery store (or any store really), the movie theater, a restaurant, or anywhere I might be in contact with people whom I didn't know (and therefore didn't know whether they were sick). I asked him how I could get exercise (after all, my yoga class and the gym are out!), and he said I could walk outside. His words were "you can go skiing, but you can't go in the lodge". I told this to Aunt Bitsy and she said, "But you'll freeze your a*@ off on the slopes!" :) Good point!
So anyway, I was quite surprised by this answer. I wrote Andrew, who if you remember from a couple posts ago, is a leukemia and allogenic (meaning, the marrow is coming from someone else, not your own cells)transplant survivor. I hope you don't mind, Andrew, but I wanted to copy and paste your description of the process so everyone could understand:

"The image is like this: Your marrow is like a lawn that has been overrun with ugly, quickly-spreading crabgrass (leukemia cells) that has completely crowded out your good grass (your current marrow). In fact, you have so much crabgrass that Lawn Doctor tells you that the only thing that will work is to kill off all the crab grass and the remaining good grass at the same time (using Cytoxin and radiation). That leaves you with a bare lawn (neutropenia). Then you put down lots of new good seed (Laura's healthy marrow) but it takes some time (maybe a year) for the new seed to take root so you have to take really good care of the little baby shoots of grass and watch carefully for any new weed (infections) that pops up, because a few weeds can quickly multiply to wipe out your baby lawn.

There are several ways that you and your doctors will protect your baby shoots. The one that you are responsible for is to take extra precautions that you don't get an infection and that if you do get an infection you call Lawn Doctor right away to come over and smush the infection! Many (maybe most) people who die after a transplant die from infections, not a relapse of the leukemia, so you have to be vigilant." That description really helped me to comprehend the transplantation process, and it of course underlined the importance of isolating myself a bit. Andrew also told me his physicians did not give him such strict guidelines, but they stressed the fact that he had to constantly be aware of his surroundings. So I just need to become accustomed to the fact that this coming year will be challenging, not only because of my health issues, but also because I thrive around people. Lori had a good point though when she wrote "just think of it as a year's worth of dedication to your body for a lifetime of happiness!". It seems I'm stealing everyone else's words tonight! What can I say? You guys say it better! :) Also, Lori, I love your idea of writing a book about how I was able to get out in the community while limiting my exposure to other people. She proposed I get creative and figure out how to do what I want to do, and here's the title she suggested: "How I Did All the Things I Wanted to Do with Only Two People at a Time.....by Julie Matthews". I love it!!!
I also asked the doctor about "radiation shielding of ovaries", a procedure done during total body irradiation in which they place shields "over the pelvic area to reduce the risk of damage to the ovaries from radiation" (definition from the Fertile Hope book--I think my professors definitely ingrained in me the importance of citing your sources! UVA and its famous honor code make it impossible for me to write something without giving due credit. :) ). This procedure is apparently not applicable in my case because the leukemia could come back fairly easily in that area...at least that's the way I understood it.
I asked about children and whether I was able to be around them in the year following the transplant. He recommended I not hug or cuddle any child, and that if I am around them, I do so outside. That felt like a punch in the gut because being around my cousins, Jack and Connor brings me such joy.
I get it though. I get the whole point of being supercareful and aware. It sucks, but I get it. A year is a year, and that can seem long or short depending on perspective. You're thinking "Here she goes with the whole 'perspective' thing again!!!", but it's true. I'm sure I'll go back and forth throughout the year, feeling sad for what I can't do and then feeling happy for being alive and enjoying what I can do. And Ronnie said that if he needs to, he'll make me a Darth Vader suit!
Another big thing though...so I guess I won't be dating for at least a year!! :) I mean, I probably wouldn't be ready for it anyway, but it kind of sucks to have a parameter placed on me that's not under my control. Also, and don't laugh, but this is another thing I thought of....I'll have to wear my glasses for a whole year (and I won't be wearing any makeup--I just thought about that one!)!!! I've gotten used to my contacts, but given the fact that hands can be so germy, I really don't want to be putting my fingers in my eyes, even if I have just washed them. I never asked the doctors about this, I just assumed. Plus, chemo can irritate your eyes so I don't want to increase the chances of having any problem. But yah, a year with glasses?! I'm already sick of pushing them up off of my nose!! :)
It was pretty funny because the doctor was shocked I still had hair following high dose Ara-C. He said "you'll probably still lose it", but I explained it had been a month since the end of chemo and I actually had to have a haircut!! He smiled and said I must be the exception. He was also amused by the fact that I requested bone marrows (everyone laughs when they hear this). I really liked him as well as his nurse/transplant coordinator.
We went to the airport right after the appointment, and talked about our options over dinner, where I had some more clam chowder (hey, I was in Boston...I had to take advantage!). We all felt the experience in Boston was a positive one, but we need to compare it to Seattle (we're going this weekend). There were lots of children at the table next to us at dinner, and when I looked around, it felt like half the people coming into the restaurant were pregnant or holding baby carriers. I felt distracted and emotional thinking about the likelihood that I would not experience motherhood in the traditional sense. I would love to adopt some day, but it's very, very hard when you realize that getting pregnant is almost certainly an impossibility. I know there are exceptions, but I think this issue is one that will require time to adjust. I never ever thought that facing infertility would be this difficult.
Thinking about this and about everything in general made me feel tired, sad and overwhelmed. I apologize again to my family for being so snappy, but I guess I'm sick of being sick. I tried hard to start a list of pros and cons for each possible situation (Boston, Seattle and staying here in Fairfax), but all I wanted to do was talk about something completely unrelated to leukemia and a bone marrow transplant.
We had a pleasant flight home, but once we actually got here, I didn't know whether I wanted to sob or just crawl into bed and sleep to try to forget about everything......sorry, I'm shuffling through out itunes library and "Dust in the Wind" just came on...I can't help laughing because every time I hear that song, all I picture is Will Ferrell in "Old School" singing at Blue's funeral (here's the clip if you need a laugh: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyuVqBLuXOo)...guess it's a good thing that song came on because I needed to lighten up this post a little bit, huh?! :)
Anyway, I slept well that night, and I had a wonderful day yesterday with Aunt Bitsy, Laura, Ronnie, Katie and Kathy. Aunt Bitsy, Laura and I went to Richmond to visit them, and it was great to get down there. Dinner was delicious (even though that nasty server didn't bring your relish, Aunt Bitz!), and obviously the company was good. As you can see, I took lots of pictures...as usual.
Today I went to my doctor and had my blood drawn again because I feel like I need some blood before our trip to Seattle Sunday (we leave early Sun AM and come back on a red-eye Monday night, so it's a quick trip for such a long way). I kind of felt like a vampire calling the office to ask if I could get blood, but I know I'll be glad I get it!!! Thank you to all those blood donors out there who make it possible for me to go in and get blood whenever I need it---I once took it for granted, but after 101 units, I realize how lucky I am! Aunt Bitsy left after the appointment and our lunch of grilled cheese and onion rings (one of my favorites!), but she's coming back next week to help during chemo. Again, Aunt Bitsy, thank you so much for everything you have done for all of us. I'll admit that I cried after you left even though I know you're coming back...you have been such an uplifting presence for me, and I'm looking forward to hanging out again next week! Thank you from all of us. We love you!!
I also visited with my neighbors' new St. Bernard puppy, Abigail...isn't she adorable?!! Judging by Elsa (their other St. Bernard), she's going to be a big girl!!! Jameson and Guinness were quite curious when I got home after cuddling her. Oh, and speaking of dogs, the doctor said that being around dogs would be fine, so that is certainly a very good thing!!!! It's good that Bella is not an indoor cat because he said I shouldn't be around cats during my "isolated period", or should I call it my "year of rehealthification"--yah, I just made that word up. I think it's a pretty good one!
Let's end on an up note. I thought you would all want to know about the cool products you can purchase through "Skymall" (you know, the magazine on the planes). Ronnie was laughing about all the crazy, ridiculous items in the magazine, so I wrote some down to share with you. You never know when they will come in handy:
1)"solar-powered mole (animal, not the mark on your skin :) ) repeller drives 'em out with safe, effective, annoying vibrations!"
2)(my favorite--maybe I should get one to shoot at my doctors just for fun)"marshmallow shooter (over 30') with LED sight for accuracy"---a sight?!! Seriously?!!!
3)a cat litter box in a pretty planter (I actually thought this one was pretty useful!)

There were lots more, but this entry is plenty long enough as it is!!!!
I am doing well...overwhelmed to some degree, but ok. I need to read up on my Ireland books so I have a detailed plan once my "year of rehealthification" is through. :)
Love ya.

PHOTOS: 1)Natalie (Bella's caretaker :)) and her dog, Abigail---she really hogged the picture, huh Natalie?! :) ; 2)Mary and Elsa (beautiful dog, hhu?!); 3)Elsa, Abigail and I --- I love this picture--just look at the size of Elsa! Before long, Abigail will be just as big!; 4)"Sun Drop" is apparently the southern version of sprite--I think this would be a good ad for it, don't you?; 5)doesn't Ronnie and Kathy's sub-wolfer look like Eve's cousin from "Wall-E"?; 6)Aunt Bitsy and Katie; 7)Abigail and I; 8)Mom, Abigail and I; 9)Katie, Kathy and Laura; 10)Katie, Kathy and I; 11)Ronnie and Aunt Bitsy; 12)Ronnie with the historic heating/AC unit in Kathy's school---pretty cool looking, huh?!; 13)Aunt Bitsy and Kathy; 14)looking out the window at the restaurant in Harvard Square; 15)Ronnie explains plane safety tips; 16)a pretty view from the plane; 17)Vladdy and I---I love this picture--he looks so human, like he's hugging me! :)

PS I just let the dogs out and heard my very favorite sound of summer---the katydids!!!!  I think I'm gonna go listen for a while.  :)