Happy Almost Fourth!

Hola, how is everyone? I'm good---I've basically been watching tv for six hours now, and I'm feeling really lazy. I know I have a good excuse for not having a ton of energy, but still...six hours?!!!! I never did that in the hospital! I did have a big day though. My mom and I went to the doctor's office this morning, and by the time we did everything we had to do, we were there for two hours. First I saw the doctor who said that my platelets had to be near 100,000 in order to have my bone marrow biopsy done today. The office was really busy, and I had to wait for several minutes to have my blood drawn (and they couldn't take it from my catheter because the office has changed their policy...they can't take blood from catheters in the lab...only the nurses can draw from catheters)...not a huge deal because I don't mind needles, but it just seemed like another thing to worry about remembering when going to the doctor, another thing to add to my list..."remember to make appointment with nursing staff when going to see the doctor" which will be pretty frequent within the next couple weeks. After my blood was drawn, we went back to the examining room and waited for the results. One of my very favorite people in the office came in with the cart with all the bone marrow supplies and the printout of my blood numbers---my platelets were 94,800!! We were all excited about this! Apparently, in order to get a good and reliable result for the biopsy, the platelets need to be at this level. So my doctor came back in and asked if it was ok if a student watched the biopsy. Not a problem with me...I mean, once you're sick, you lose any humility, so it's really no big deal to pull my jeans down a bit so they can put a needle in the back of the hip! :) It was kind of weird hearing my doctor describe what she was doing for the student..."you make a little incision"...I'm thinking "What?! An incision?!" Despite the fact that this was my 13th bone marrow, I'm blissfully unaware of the details of the process. I've seen the needle and I know it's big, but other than that, I don't need to know specifics. Then she said something about "pushing the needle" and "it's like the inside of a mushy apple" or something like that. Gross!!!
After my biopsy, I needed to get my dressing changed for my catheter, and I also had to get some supplies to care for the catheter and dressing myself. We waited in the waiting room for a little over half and hour, and then we met with one of the nurses who was really nice, and she put together a generous package of dressings, heparin and saline. The office also set me up with home delivery of catheter care supplies. We were in the main room of the infusion clinic, and there are other patients there (getting chemo is really a pretty social activity), so the nurse shut the curtains so I wouldn't have to flash anyone while she changed the dressing. At one point, someone brushed up against the curtain and it opened a little, but my mom was quick and pulled it shut! Then, when my shirt was off and we were in the middle of the dressing change, I looked up and noticed a guy installing wireless, playing around up in the ceiling tile thing right next to my chair...I laughed to myself and thought "Well, he's getting a free show!" :) Of all the places in the office, he just happened to be right there!!! But again, I've learned all about humility, although my mom told my doctor today that I was a stripper on the side, so I had no problem with who saw what. Thanks, Mom!! Honestly, I don't know if he saw anything, but it made me laugh nonetheless.
You probably wonder why I'm telling you all these details. I figured it gave you a better idea of what my day is like. It was only two hours, but when you're not feeling superenergetic, it can feel like a big deal. We also stopped by Costco, Petsmart and Target on the way home, although I admit I waited in the car for half of the time. That was my big day though...does it merit six straight hours of tv watching? Probably not, but there you have it. I will give myself a little break considering the situation, but I never feel good after watching lots of tv.
The good news is that the preliminary results of my bone marrow do not show any "frank" leukemic cells (doctor lingo :) ), but we have to wait for the cytology report (more detailed lab analysis of the cells from my marrow). I should know that next week, hopefully by my next appointment on Tuesday.
My ear is still full, and my nose and throat are still irritating, and although I know I could feel much worse, these things are really starting to annoy me. I mean, honestly, when will I get rid of this stupid cold? Tonight I had what certainly felt to me like bone pain, and I couldn't really get comfy on the couch, and I was worried because my doctor said I probably shouldn't be having bone pain at this point 'cause they stopped giving me Neupogen almost five days ago...I'm trying not to worry too much, but any little thing can get me worried. My solution to the worries? Writing everything down...and I mean everything! I always have a big list of questions/concerns when I go to my doctor each time, and just knowing that they will help me figure out/eliminate the concern makes me feel a little better.
Wow, long entry, huh? I wonder if anyone is still reading it at this point! :) hahaha Well, if you are, I'm still OK. I'm sleeping well, and mostly I'm focused on just getting through this, but I also feel angry that I'm going through this again, and scared of what's to come, as I've said a billion times before. Ronnie put it well yesterday when he said that I had the "misery and privilege" of having been through this once before...on one hand, I know it's going to be difficult and uncomfortable and upsetting and that it will indeed put my life on hold again, BUT at the same time, I know what to watch for, I am very aware of my body and how I'm feeling, and I know what questions to ask. He said to think of this as my job right now which is a good way of looking at it. I am focused on getting well, and, as he pointed out, I'm honing my skills as a philosopher. :) After all, I have loads of time to think and reflect!
I've been a little snappy to my family, and I apologize for that, but I think I'm already feeling "cabin fever" because I'm frustrated with the whole situation: here I am, 30, stuck at home again, and facing many months of relative isolation. What else can I say but it sucks! I love my family, my pups and everything, but this is not how things are supposed to be, and I'm pissed about it. I should be going out, working, meeting people, dating, etc; then I realize that I can't change the situation, and somehow I will learn from it.
I am, however, going to a Fourth of July party tomorrow, so that's something to look forward to! I'm going to enjoy whatever time I can to enjoy my non-neutropenicness (yah, I definitely made that word up!), and also any time I have here before going to Boston or Seattle.
And one good thing about spending lots of time at my doctor's office: I'm constantly aware of the many, many people in my similar situation. As we say in my young adult support group, "it's certainly not any club I would have wanted to join", but it still is like a bit of a club. It might sound cheesy, but you can almost feel the determination and strength when you're sitting in an oncology office, and everyone seems a little more understanding and tolerant. I always get the sense that most patients in the office have learned not to let the smaller challenges in life weigh them down, and it inspires me when I feel discouraged.
OK, it's bedtime....I hope everyone is doing well, and I hope this post didn't put you to sleep! :)