Hey there everyone! I'm just sitting here with Laura (well, technically, she's napping :) ). She slept over last night, we watched some "Fresh Prince of Bel Air", and she did my hair for me this morning...except for her narcolepsy, she's a wonderful visitor! :)
All's well in Room 477. Yesterday morning when I woke up, I felt so good! I ate my breakfast, took a shower and did my hair (and even danced around a bit while getting ready to "Do You Love Me?"--one of THE best songs to dance to)...too bad my nurses didn't walk in! :) I visited with a friend, walked ten quick laps...it was a great morning. I don't know if maybe I did too much, but in the afternoon, I got a head/neckache, and it scared me because I had been feeling so good. I know there are any number of reasons for it: my different medicines, the low blood counts, pushing myself to do too much, but I still worried. Between the time I was first diagnosed until now, I really learned to understand my body and to listen to it when something felt wrong, so I asked the nurse to take my temperature, and I took some Tylenol for the headache. After that, I put on some Norah Jones and rested.
I know these details aren't interesting, but I feel like they give a little insight into my emotions and my experience with leukemia.
Anyone who knew me when I was diagnosed with AML three and a half years ago can probably sense through talking to me or via the blog that I am more frightened this time. There is no doubt about it: I am, but I don't want this to upset anyone. I think if I weren't more frightened, it would be strange. I spoke with several people today about why I'm more afraid because they were concerned, so I just wanted to address it...here's a stream of consciousness for you to explain it a little better: The first time I was diagnosed, I was really sick. I came in to the ER with a hemoglobin of 4 one day after I returned from a trip to Ecuador, and I had no idea what leukemia meant or what my treatment would be like. Over the next couple months, I became familiar with a new routine that included chemo, growth factor shots, antibiotics, other various medicines, blood and platelet transfusions, bone marrow aspirates and biopsies, doctor visits...I achieved remission following my first chemo in the hospital, and I felt I would have no problem beating the cancer. I never felt truly scared until August '05 when my Hickman catheter got infected and my fever reached 106.8...it was the one and only time I threw up following treatment. Whenever I heard people talk about bone marrow transplants, I thought "Boy, am I lucky I don't have to have one of those!" because I heard about how hard they were, and I heard a myriad of stories regarding them: some successful, some not, but all terrifying to me. I joined a young adult support group which I love, but which also presented me with the hugely unfair fact that not everyone beats cancer...I mean, I knew that. I lost an uncle and family friends to cancer, but never a peer. As a survivor, I accepted the fact that I would probably think of cancer every day in some way, and I would probably always wonder if it would come back. I'm able to talk about these concerns with other members of my group, and it has helped me tremendously, but I realize that meeting so many other young cancer survivors made me more aware of cancer in general. I guess that is one of the main factors that adds to my fear because I know not everyone is cured. I don't constantly think of the sad stories, but I will certainly never forget the members in my group who lost the battle (for lack of a better phrase). And I don't want to forget them, because each one inspired me with his/her spirit. I guess what I'm trying to say is that ignorance can indeed be bliss, and the first time around with AML was easier in a matter of speaking, because I didn't necessarily know what to worry about.
So all that said, I still have a positive attitude!! But I won't deny that I'm afraid. I'm figuring out how to manage it though. I'm spending lots of time with family and friends, I'm laughing constantly, but I still cry sometimes. I distract myself with music, reading, tv, movies, therapy dogs. :) I'm thinking toward the future, and I want to know the basics of what lies ahead, but I do not want to dwell on worries of what might be. I wake up each day, eat my breakfast (the best meal of the day!), take a shower, talk to my nurses, do my laps....I'm taking it one step at a time (no pun intended! :) ) I write down my concerns and I present them to my doctor each morning, and I pay close attention to what my body tells me. I will forge ahead because I have no choice. I would much prefer to be doing anything but this right now, but I can't change it, and somehow some good will come of it. If nothing else, it gives me more time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up! :)
This blog is a perfect way for me to express myself, and I'm so thankful the hospital has improved its technology since the last time I was here!
Remember how I said looking at the stars has always brought me peace? Well, I looked out my window earlier (it's actually 11:19 PM right now, even though my blog says I post whenever I started writing which was this morning...I got a little busy...I'm not that slow of a writer. :) )...anyway, I looked out my window earlier and I have the perfect view of a beautiful, (what appears to be full) moon...funny how things work sometimes, huh? Just when I need a little reassurance. I consider little things like that a sign that someone's lookin' out for me. :)