Going Home Soon

Yup, you read the title right! My doctor just came in and told me they would probably release me (geez...that makes it sound like I'm in a mental hospital or something!) Friday or Saturday. Hearing this kind of made me sad, which I know must sound totally strange to all of you. But here's my line of thinking: Leaving here means leaving all my wonderful visitors. I don't think you can really comprehend how much your visits mean to me. I've been able to see friends and family I haven't seen in a while, and I've met many new and wonderful people. You are such a huge part of the healing process for me, so I'm getting scared about what lies ahead. You know, it's the second time I've ordered oatmeal, and here I am crying over it again....no more oatmeal for me!!! :) Seriously though, I guess the reality is setting in: no more "parties" in my room, no more Wii competitions, no more catching up with everyone while doing my laps. I know it sounds weird, but I've had a lot of fun since being in the hospital, essentially because I've felt so well and never had much time to sit around and worry about the future, because you all made sure to stop by and keep me laughing. So now I'll be headed home (and I can't wait to see my pups! :)), but I will be responsible for all my dressing and Hickman catheter care (not that it's a big deal, but it's always nice to defer to the nurses). I will head to the doctor every day to get my Neupogen shots, and to the hospital infusion clinic for blood and platelets when necessary. I will visit Boston to be evaluated by their doctors. I think my brother and dad are going out to Seattle at some point. Then a decision will be made, and I will leave everything here for at least 3 months. That means leaving all of you, my pups, and everything that has become familiar about this whole medical process. Even if I can have all these wonderful decorations in my room wherever I go, it will not be the same. I'm terrified, and somehow I feel lonely even knowing that I have an incredible support system.
I know there are lots of positives for leaving the hospital too: getting away from other sick patients who may have something contagious; I'll be home with my family (when I say family, my pups and kitty are included!:) ); I get my own bed back; I can walk outside to do my "laps", although I'll still sport my cool mask. :); obviously the doctors think I'm doing well enough to leave which is important...the list could go on. I just want to make sure you know that I know it is a positive move to make, but I just wanted to be honest about my feelings and tell you that I'm really, really scared.
I know that once I get up or over to wherever I end up for the transplant, I'll develop some sort of routine and I'll find a way to fill in the days (I have lots of books and magazines to read! :) ), and I know I'll meet kind nurses and doctors along the way, but anyone who knows me knows I'm not so good with change, and you probably know how much I feed off the energy, humor and laughter of others. I know I'll be OK...I'm being so dramatic here, letting teardrops fall onto the laptop (they won't hurt it, will they? :) ). No worries...I will adjust to whatever is ahead, and I will keep staying positive, but at this juncture and in this moment, I don't know what to expect. I will miss everyone so much (I know it's only 3 months, but like I said, I'm dramatic :) ). All I can say is they better have good Internet access wherever I end up!! That can be my lifeline.
It seems that I need a good quote to lift me out of this minor little depression: "When you come to a fork in the road, take it"...how bout that one? 'Cause it's not like I have any choice here, right? I'm at a metaphorical crossroads, if you will (Lori, look, I got to incorporate our favorite phrase into the blog! :) ---we love "if you will"--kind of snooty sounding, but often appropriate in conversation). I have no option to retreat, and I certainly have no concept of what awaits me. Technically "crossroads" implies some sort of important decision being made, and I guess in this case it would be the decision to leave friends and family behind in order to do my transplant at a well-known and respected transplant center. It's going to suck, we all know that, but I can't do anything to change it; otherwise I would have kindly asked the leukemia not to come back in the first place.
So anyway, there you have it. I'm going to finish my oatmeal now, take a shower, do some laps and regroup. :) I probably have some more tears waiting to come out, but I find those helpful also. My nurse today is one of my favorites. I haven't seen her since 2005, but she remembers me (of course....how could you forget me?!), so it's nice to have such a familiar face, especially when I'm feeling like I am right now. So I'm all good--just a little emotional today. I'm going to get some blood, so who knows how I'll feel later? We like to joke and say that it would be funny if I took on the characteristics of whoever's blood it was. I'll just hope for a really jolly, happy-go-lucky donor today....first I'll get some more tears out, then I'll be ready to look at everything with a better perspective.
I know in my heart that lots of good and happy things await me in the future, and I need to focus on those to get through the transplant. Don't worry--I'll find a way to do it!! :)
And thanks for making an almost month-long stay in the hospital feel so short and be so much fun.
Love ya.