Postponing the Marathons

Well, let's just get the bad, totally sucky news out of the way. My leukemia is back. We found out yesterday afternoon following a bone marrow I had Monday morning. I will go to Fairfax Hospital tomorrow (I don't know what time yet), and will start induction chemo which will last about a month. Induction is what they call the first chemo for leukemia patients. Once I achieve remission (and I WILL achieve remission!!) and my counts are high enough, we will proceed with the next step which is a bone marrow transplant. Although it's certainly a very difficult decision for me, I think I've been convinced that Seattle's Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center (or Fred Hutch as they call it in the bizz :) ) is the best place to have this done. It was there that they performed the first bone marrow transplant, and they have a huge volume of transplants compared to other hospitals. It's a difficult decision because it will mean me staying there for at least 3 months (3 weeks in the hospital and the rest in patient apartments). As many of you know, patients who have undergone bone marrow transplants are at an extremely high risk for infection, so it's really important to be in a place where the doctors and nurses understand the danger and proceed with patient care accordingly. My main worry is that I will have a difficult time being away from my family and friends (although someone from the family, or perhaps a couple of them) will accompany me.....and don't laugh, but my biggest worry is leaving my dogs. You all know how important they are to me...in fact, Guinness has his head resting on my feet as I write this. :) I can't explain to them why I'll be gone for a while, and I won't be able to enjoy their quiet, soothing company while recovering. I don't want them to think I've deserted them either. Hopefully we'll be able to arrange for visits from them while I'm getting chemo in Fairfax (my sisters talked to the head of pet therapy last time, and they both came to see me. :) )

So this is the very basic info of what is to come the next several months. Part of me just can't believe the leukemia is back, and it feels like an awful dream. I did have an appointment with my doctor today, and she gave me many reasons to feel encouraged: the number of blasts in my marrow is minimal, so we caught it early; the relapse happened 3 1/2 years after my diagnosis which indicates it's moving slowly; and I'm healthy right now, much more so than when I last went in for treatment!! The only part of the appointment that was truly upsetting, well, devastating really, was when she told me that I would have full-body radiation prior to the bone marrow transplant (I didn't know they had to do that), and this would make my ovaries non-functioning, so I'll never have children. I couldn't help but break down when I got that news because I still held on to the dream of starting a family someday. My parents cried too and my doctor got teary, but all I can do is take it as it comes. It is what it is. I've always wanted to adopt a child (in addition to having my own), and I know there are many children out there who need good families, so once I'm back on my feet and over all this crap, I'll look forward to doing just that. But still, it sucks. I could always find a baby momma too! :) hahahaha If you haven't seen that movie, you should...it's hilarious!!!

Let's see...what's some good news from all this sh*@? Well, I did get out of a speeding ticket yesterday! :) I didn't know yet that the leukemia was back for sure, but I knew the doctor was concerned about the bone marrow results. I was on my way to work, going 51 in a 35. The officer was very friendly, and when he came up to me, he asked me why I was speeding and I just broke down, surprising myself. Poor guy, I told him through my tears that "I had a lot on my mind". Then I elaborated and said "I just found out my leukemia might be back" and I sobbed. I kept telling him I was "sorry", and then I told him my sister was an officer...I really just laid it all out there!!!! He obviously felt a little awkward, but he just wrote me a warning ticket and told me he knew I was thinking about a lot, but to be careful so I don't hurt myself or anyone else. I felt bad for making him feel uncomfortable, but I guess cancer's good for some things! :) I'll be pulling that card again whenever I can so I can take advantage of it. :) I told Ronnie that I think a relapse should secure me a visit from one of the Yankees this time instead of just an autograph....I'm thinking Derek Jeter or Mariano Rivera...is that so much to ask?!!!! :)

By the way, I'm going to keep the title of this blog as my "Team in Training Blog"...I consider myself in training, though it may be of a different sort. I'm training for my rematch (as my friend described it) with the leukemia. I intend to take it out once and for all!! And for the "Team" part, well, that would be all of you! In order to kick this in the butt again, I need your support--you are all in it with me. So it's still "Team in Training". We'll just save the marathons for next year or the year after. :)

My mom bought me a bracelet last year that reads "We are the hero of our own story", and I think of that statement often. We each are dealt our own challenges and joys, but it is how we manage them that makes us a hero. I will keep thinking of that, and looking toward the future, one that I firmly believe holds many great moments for me. I saw another cool quote on a greeting card I found when we were on our trip to Seattle this past week: "My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot" (Ashleigh Brilliant). Although at the time, I figured it simply applied to me because I don't know what I want to be when I grow up :) , now it has added meaning because I've been presented with another difficult obstacle, and I don't know what will happen even in the near future. I will take it day by day, and I am going to enjoy the little moments. Sometimes knowing the plot doesn't really matter that much as long as you're enjoying the cast of people you're with. :) Wow, deep, huh? Maybe I should write greeting cards!! hahahahaha

Speaking of my trip to Seattle, we had a wonnnnnnderful time!! I thought I'd share some of the photos with you. It was amazing that we could all sync our schedules, but we did!! We ate wonderful food, walked all over, some of us got to enjoy a Mariners game (and we REALLY enjoyed it because they beat the Red Sox :) ), had a lot of laughs and just explored the city. Plus, my dad had his ceremony for passing his lipidology exam!!! I hope you enjoy the photos.

I'll be writing more later...we found out that the hospital now has wi-fi, so I'll be able to keep up with my blog which will be therapeutic for me and informative for you! :) My final word of wisdom for everyone: Don't be sad for me, just hopeful! And come visit if you want to----I love the company. And mostly, thank you for always being there.

Photos (from the top): the whole fam at the reception after my Dad's lipidology ceremony; the outfit I wore the night of the ceremony was of great amusement to the rest of the family--leggings and a top, something I don't usually wear! :) They all joked and said I was missing the pants part of my outfit and how could I go out in public like that?! :) ; "sisters"; the whole family--Pike Market; Seattle from Kerry Park; the beautiful neighborhood surrounding Kerry Park; Laura and Tiso at my dad's ceremony; pretty produce :) ; taking the ferry from Seattle to Bainbridge Island; doing a little yoga in the Japanese gardens; me as a jellyfish at the Seattle aquarium; Mom and Dad at a Japanese restaurant