Hola ;)

Hey there!

Just another Saturday night here in the hospital. :) Well, not just any Saturday night....my last Saturday night (and last night in general)! I enjoyed my visitors today, did 23 laps, went 163' in the Wii Fit ski jump game (yah, that's rated as a "professional!"---much better than constantly being labeled "unbalanced"...like I wrote before, it's a very rude machine). My blood numbers are higher than they've been since I originally got sick in '05, so the Neupogen is working! My ear, however, feels worse, so I need to work on more visualization to get it unclogged or de-infected (disinfected just doesn't sound right when talking about ears). I'm getting Levaquin (in pill-form) and Cipro ear drops, so hopefully they'll work together to fix this really annoying issue. But again, I know it can always be worse....still, the dramatic part of me thinks "How frustrating would it be if I had to go through cancer treatment and lost part of my hearing during it?!" :) Like I said, I'm hoping it works itself out, or maybe my platelets will go up so my ENT can put another little hole in my eardrum like he had to do in '05 (I had sinus pressure issues when I was diagnosed in '05, probably stemming from the time in the airplane from Quito to DC).
Anyhoo, that's what's going on here. I had a little crying-in-my-breakfast-episode again this morning. This time it was Frosted Flakes though, and I think it's because they were "reduced sugar"....why on earth would anyone make Frosted Flakes with reduced sugar? Isn't sugar the whole point of the cereal?!!!!! Anyway, one of my favorite nurses happened to come in when I was crying, along with her extern who is really nice. I just let it all out again!! I told them about how I was scared about the transplant and leaving everyone; how I thought I was 3 1/2 years out so I was safe from leukemia; how I'm 30 and living at home (again, I love you, Mom and Dad, but you know what I mean!!) and single; how I know I have lots of positive things like my support network, my sister as a match, etc, etc., but I still feel sad sometimes...I just let it all hang out again!! Guess you'll never have any problem getting me to express my feelings....you might have a hard time getting me to shut up, but that's it. :)
I don't want you to think I cry every time I'm alone 'cause honestly I don't! I just need to get stuff out sometimes...a lot of times music (or the ocean :) ) will prompt the tears---lately it's been "Fix You" by Coldplay...the first time I was diagnosed it was "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M. (I know, how original!) (Laurel, I know these are both on the CDs you made for me, but don't feel bad 'cause I love the songs and sometimes they're just what I need to help get the tears to come if I'm feeling overwhelmed...happy or sad, music is a very important therapy for me).
I haven't done too much reading since I've been in here 'cause I've had so many wonderful visits and at night, I typically watch some tv or a movie, but reading is also therapeutic for me. I was reading a new James Patterson book today, and he was describing a little girl who had an imaginary friend and an indifferent mother. He wrote about how she always seemed to be cuddling different objects, commenting that "she had a lot of hugs to give, but not enough people to give them to." Something about that line really touched me. I felt bad because I know there are people like that in the world, and then I felt sad because I haven't hugged anyone in almost a month...those "air hugs" I give just aren't the same. I'm lucky because I do have a lot of people to hug, but I guess you don't realize how much you miss the human contact. Again I sound so dramatic, but it just got me thinking, and I will be happy when I can hug someone again, although at the same time, I feel like the first time I can truly give someone a hug, I'm going to lose it because I'm so emotional this time around...especially because I know my first hug will be my mom or dad. So many emotions and feelings go unmentioned or even acknowledged in this whole process because we're all trying to stay strong, and I know my parents are tired, sad, worried and stressed. I know lots of times I save my orneriness (I thought I made up that word, but I just checked on dictionary.com, and it's actually a word! :)) for you two, and I'm sorry for that, but I guess at least you know I'm not putting on any facade for you! If I'm worried or upset about something, I just lay it out there for you, but I know sometimes I just get quiet when there are no other guests around, and then I worry when you leave that I didn't try hard enough to enjoy each moment with you, 'cause after all, isn't that the main lesson in this crappy situation? Always enjoy each moment with those you love. THEN I realize, well, I don't exactly feel 100% right now, and I know you know how much I love and appreciate you, so I most likely don't offend you. And, actually, this goes for the whole fam: Mom, Dad, Ronnie, Kathy, Laura, Tiso and Katie: I appreciate and notice everything you do even if I don't comment on it. I love you all so much, and I too keep thinking about our trip to Seattle before all this crap happened again. We were so lucky to be able to do that together, and I have a lot of wonderful memories (and photos) of the trip that I know will help me get through the next several months.
The next time I write, I'll be at home! Woohoo!!!!! :) I'll just finish with some of the lyrics from "Fix You"....I know it's meant to be a love song, but it seems like you can apply it to life in general also:

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home"

Sometimes, I'll be listening to it and at the part for "could it be worse", I'll say (out loud) "um, yah...you could have leukemia!" :) Anything to help keep myself entertained. But even with leukemia, things could always be worse...I still consider myself lucky. Now, if I could just fix this damn ear! I like the "Lights will guide you home" part 'cause, well, I'm goin' home tomorrow, and knowing that I have such a wonderful home to return to (even if I am 30 and live with my parents) :) is reassuring. Despite my stress of leaving the hospital and what lies ahead, I look forward to being home with you, Mom and Dad (and all my four-legged buddies also, of course)! Love you lots.