I was just remembering that it was about two years ago that I went into the hospital with a low-grade fever, about a month or so after my final chemo. That evening, the fever reached 106.8, and my entire family (well, everyone except my mom...she was already at the hospital with me, my loyal roommate) showed up in the hospital room at 2 in the morning, apparently racing through red lights to get there. I was conscious throughout, although I felt like I was seeing things through a cloud. When they all showed up, I told them they were scaring me--why were they there in the middle of the night? They stayed for a while, and the nurses were able to lower my temp with the help of a cooling blanket and ice packs.
Talking with my family later on, I realized that I was actually the one who scared them. The temperature was the highest the 9th floor at Fairfax had seen. Luckily I never had a seizure which was a very good thing, but I learned that everyone thought they might lose me that night, the evening before a picnic Katie scheduled to help raise money for the "Light the Night Walk" with the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society.
It's funny how your mind works---the thought of dying never crossed my mind that night until I saw the reactions of my family. It scared me, and I realized that no matter what I did---my walking 1 mile a day for exercise, cleaning my catheter, monitoring my symptoms, eating and drinking well---I was at the mercy of my body and any infections that might arise. I thought more about dying and about how dangerous leukemia was. For a long time I worried about it. But then I thought, "What will my worrying do to change things? All I can do is what the doctors tell me and I can stay positive and surround myself with everyone who makes me laugh and smile and look forward to each day. After that, I have no control." Thinking like this has helped me a lot. There are still times when I get scared or worried...and sometimes cry, but I remind myself that I am here today, and if the leukemia were to ever come back, I can always beat it again.
I know, this is a serious posting. :) I thought it was important to contrast this August with the one two years past. I am so proud that I walked 12 miles yesterday. Doing that one mile when I was sick was often a challenge, so 12 miles is a feat I thought unsurpassable two years ago. Yesterday, I felt like I could have done several more!
Last night I went to a "celebrate life" party for a friend in my young adult support group and it was wonderful! It's so important to just take the time and enjoy your friends and family and celebrate your health. Two years ago, I spent about a week in the hospital wondering when or if my life would ever be normal again, and now I am so happy...that's really just the best word for it. I feel like I am constantly adding to a growing network of friends--with Team in Training and my Life with Cancer support group, and all those I meet along the way.
The walking seems like an analogy for life: the trails differ and sometimes the people change, but you keep your head up and your eyes looking forward, and you will reach your destination, wherever it may be...and the best thing about it is the encouragement you receive along the way from familiar faces.