Me again! Thanks for posting the photos, Katie! I just want to reiterate what Katie said....I am doing well, and I am keeping up my positive attitude. I just don't want the blog I posted just before Katie posted this one to upset anyone.
OK, I'm gonna try and get some sleep now! Or maybe I'll watch "Cesar" all night...he has a calming effect on me too--guess I'm just like one of his dogs too! Maybe he can pay me a visit and teach me to have calm-assertive energy for what I'm going through right now. :) G'night! Love ya!

Julie is "hulk"-tastic!

This is Julie's sister, Katie.  The internet at Fairfax is being rather slow tonight so Julie asked me to post these photos for you all!  She is doing very well and, as you can see from the photos, she is obviously keeping up her wonderful attitude!  

I brought Julie an Incredible Hulk pillow and some gloves to help her feel power like the Hulk.  When you hit the gloves together, they make sounds like a roar or, Julie's favorite, "You're making me angry!  You won't like me when I'm angry!"  She has decided that it could be a fun game to try and surprise the nurses with them on sometime. :)

From the top: Julie with her gloves and pillow; my Mom hitting me; Julie's friend Bob; and Julie 

This Sucks :)

I'm sitting here waiting for the Ativan to kick in, and I'm feeling pretty down. I figured I have to communicate everything I'm feeling to you, not just the positive, upbeat stuff. Although I had a good day...my line was inserted without any hitch, I had wonderful visits with friends and family, I am feeling very frustrated. I'm already sick of untangling my catheters with the power cord on my pole buddy, I'm sick of pushing it all over the halls with me, I'm tired of this really annoying cough. I requested some cough medicine, and the nurse paged the doctor a while ago to see if I was allowed to have any, but she hasn't called back. I'm annoyed that my room is so hot....I'm just frustrated, irritated and pissed off right now. It is setting in that my life now again revolves around the hospital routine. I worry that I won't make it out of the hospital. I'm not saying I don't have a positive attitude anymore, I'm just saying that I'm human and the thought crosses my mind more than it did the first time around, I guess because I know what a horrible, uncomfortable and draining regimen that awaits me. And I'm sad for myself because I'm 30 years old!! I was finally starting to reorganize my life, get a job, maybe try and find a date :) , and leukemia comes knockin' down the door again!!!!! I'm MAD! I'm sad. I'm frustrated. Who knows when I'll go on a date again? How come all my friends are married/engaged/pregnant? I'm not mad at them or bitter, but I feel incredibly sad for myself. Sure, there must be some reason for all of this, but basically it just sucks. The tears are falling pretty hard, but I feel like I'm entitled to a pity party. :) The only thing giving me some comfort right now is "The Dog Whisperer" playing in the background. Cesar Milan is the best!
I guess the ability to find something that makes me even a little bit happy is what helps keep me going. It's so strange that I can feel achingly alone with such a huge, wonderful network of family and friends, one that seems to be growing by the day. I just wish I could press a button that would put me in a daze from now 'til I'm cleared from the bone marrow transplant, so I don't have to suffer everything. The only good that comes out of going through this again is that I'll have an even greater understanding for other cancer patients and their families, but I'm still really pissed. I think it would be weird if I weren't. I hate that this makes me wonder if anything good will ever happen to me. I know we control our happiness and we make do with whatever hand we're dealt, but just for the record, I think I've been dealt one of the complete crappiest hands ever.
Is it weird that dating is one of the things that worries me the most? I know I have my incredible network, but basically the world is divided into couples, something I've become very sensitive to. You always notice the couples when you're the single one, and as anyone knows who's experienced it, it totally and completely sucks. I guess that's the theme of this blog.....stuff sucks. Deep, huh?
But I don't want you to worry....if I didn't write stuff like this, I think you should worry because that would mean I was holding it all in and it would be getting in the way of Mariano's pitching.
Although it still feels surreal, I continue to ponder the idea that I will not give birth to any children. Guess it shouldn't be a worry if I don't even have a date! :) No, it's not the end of the world, but it's a devastating piece of news to add to the news of a cancer relapse. Some people have written about fertilizing eggs, but after speaking to my Dr. and a friend, I was told that the eggs don't store well, and even if I did, there's no time to go through the hormone treatments and everything that's involved to harvest the eggs. We can't wait on the chemo. So one incredibly huge lifelong dream will go unfulfilled because of cancer. And again, I'm not trying to be bitter, but I'm just saying the truth. It's a huge deal. I fully intend on adopting one day, but I know it's not an easy process.
When I think to the coming months, I'm terrified because I know what awaits. I'm sad because I have to do this again. But I know I have to just take it day by day or I'll quickly overwhelm myself.
Do NOT take this blog as evidence of me giving up, but rather as me giving you my raw feelings on a really shi*** circumstance. I'll sleep, and I'll wake up tomorrow, take a shower, put some normal clothes on rather than this totally annoying hospital gown (hope I didn't flash any of you today!), fix my hair (before it starts to fall out!), do my laps and start another day. I will visit with my friends and family and I will smile and laugh. I will be reminded of why I need to keep fighting and I will do just that. I know these sad feelings will return again and again, but it would be really strange if I didn't feel them. It definitely helps to get them all out on the blog. Sorry if this upsets anyone, but know that I am still full of positive energy and hope. I feel like the sadness compliments the hope...I recognize the gravity of the situation, it makes me feel really sad, but I remember what I did last time to survive and I will fight back!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the hula hoop will help too. :)

My New Digs

I'm not going to write too much right now 'cause I'm pretty tired, and I need to go wash my face before they come and give me my chemo and some Adavan...looking forward to the Adavan! :) It looks like my anti-nausea iv has almost emptied out so I'm crossing my fingers that it works just as well as last time!!!!
Some thoughts from my first day/night in the hospital: Well, let's just be truthful....this totally and completely sucks!!!!! I'm really scared because I know the dangers that come along with treatment for leukemia, mainly infections. My last hospital stay I developed a fever of 106.8 (in August of '05 due to an infection in my Hickman catheter), and it terrified me. BUT at the same time, I think the fact that I know what lies ahead is helpful because I truly understand the importance of doing anything and everything to prevent infection, and I know that chemo works! I know, you're thinking..."What the he**?! If the chemo worked the first time, you wouldn't be in there now!". I did great for 3 1/2 years, so that makes me hopeful....we just have to go all the way this time and do the transplant and I'll be rid of this once and for all. Laura keeps reminding me that she is responsible for my life, literally. :)
It's nice to see some nurses I remember from last time, although I would have preferred running into them at the grocery store or something..........
Now it's an hour or so later and my chemo is up and running, my face is all washed :) and I'm waiting for my Adavan (is that how you spell that?). So I forgot how annoying it is to have to be attached to an iv pole. Anyone who knows me well knows I have the smallest bladder in the world (is that tmi? :) hahahaha) so it's a big process every time!---get up, unplug the iv, gather my iv's and the power cord so I don't run them over, and push my little pole buddy through the room into the teeny, tiny bathroom, where, just for a little more tmi, they have to measure my pee...it's all really very fun!! :) I forgot about these little irritating details.

Tomorrow at 8, I will get my Hickman catheter put in so my arms can be free from iv's, and I don't have to be stuck with needles all the time. If I'm not too tired, I'll write more tomorrow.

Mariano Rivera has no idea what an important job he has ahead of him! Many people, including doctors and nurses, recommended utilizing visualization as a handy tool to help rid my body of all the cancer cells, so I chose Mariano Rivera, the beloved closer for the Yankees, to be my guy. I visualize him throwing out leukemia cells to the tune of "Enter Sandman", his entrance song. So I'm signing off for now to take him out of the bullpen and put him to work. Personally, I consider this the most important save of his career. :)

Hey, it's me AGAIN!!
I had a wonderful dinner with Lori and Paulina tonight...we were laughing all evening. It's pretty special to be able to do
that considering the situation! Anyway, one of the things we were joking about was asking for visits from the Yankees instead of mere autographs. Lori said we should try to apply to the Make a Wish Foundation, that she would send in a picture of me when I was young so they didn't have any inkling of our little trick. :) Anyway, I told Ronnie about that when we got home and he passed on this video from the Onion to me. If you didn't know already, now you'll know that I truly have a sick sense of humor.
I could not stop laughing. I figure, considering the situation, I'm allowed to laugh! :)
Here's the link:
http://www.theonion.com/content/video/child_bankrupts_make_a_wish_0

Postponing the Marathons

Well, let's just get the bad, totally sucky news out of the way. My leukemia is back. We found out yesterday afternoon following a bone marrow I had Monday morning. I will go to Fairfax Hospital tomorrow (I don't know what time yet), and will start induction chemo which will last about a month. Induction is what they call the first chemo for leukemia patients. Once I achieve remission (and I WILL achieve remission!!) and my counts are high enough, we will proceed with the next step which is a bone marrow transplant. Although it's certainly a very difficult decision for me, I think I've been convinced that Seattle's Fred Hutchinson Cancer Center (or Fred Hutch as they call it in the bizz :) ) is the best place to have this done. It was there that they performed the first bone marrow transplant, and they have a huge volume of transplants compared to other hospitals. It's a difficult decision because it will mean me staying there for at least 3 months (3 weeks in the hospital and the rest in patient apartments). As many of you know, patients who have undergone bone marrow transplants are at an extremely high risk for infection, so it's really important to be in a place where the doctors and nurses understand the danger and proceed with patient care accordingly. My main worry is that I will have a difficult time being away from my family and friends (although someone from the family, or perhaps a couple of them) will accompany me.....and don't laugh, but my biggest worry is leaving my dogs. You all know how important they are to me...in fact, Guinness has his head resting on my feet as I write this. :) I can't explain to them why I'll be gone for a while, and I won't be able to enjoy their quiet, soothing company while recovering. I don't want them to think I've deserted them either. Hopefully we'll be able to arrange for visits from them while I'm getting chemo in Fairfax (my sisters talked to the head of pet therapy last time, and they both came to see me. :) )

So this is the very basic info of what is to come the next several months. Part of me just can't believe the leukemia is back, and it feels like an awful dream. I did have an appointment with my doctor today, and she gave me many reasons to feel encouraged: the number of blasts in my marrow is minimal, so we caught it early; the relapse happened 3 1/2 years after my diagnosis which indicates it's moving slowly; and I'm healthy right now, much more so than when I last went in for treatment!! The only part of the appointment that was truly upsetting, well, devastating really, was when she told me that I would have full-body radiation prior to the bone marrow transplant (I didn't know they had to do that), and this would make my ovaries non-functioning, so I'll never have children. I couldn't help but break down when I got that news because I still held on to the dream of starting a family someday. My parents cried too and my doctor got teary, but all I can do is take it as it comes. It is what it is. I've always wanted to adopt a child (in addition to having my own), and I know there are many children out there who need good families, so once I'm back on my feet and over all this crap, I'll look forward to doing just that. But still, it sucks. I could always find a baby momma too! :) hahahaha If you haven't seen that movie, you should...it's hilarious!!!

Let's see...what's some good news from all this sh*@? Well, I did get out of a speeding ticket yesterday! :) I didn't know yet that the leukemia was back for sure, but I knew the doctor was concerned about the bone marrow results. I was on my way to work, going 51 in a 35. The officer was very friendly, and when he came up to me, he asked me why I was speeding and I just broke down, surprising myself. Poor guy, I told him through my tears that "I had a lot on my mind". Then I elaborated and said "I just found out my leukemia might be back" and I sobbed. I kept telling him I was "sorry", and then I told him my sister was an officer...I really just laid it all out there!!!! He obviously felt a little awkward, but he just wrote me a warning ticket and told me he knew I was thinking about a lot, but to be careful so I don't hurt myself or anyone else. I felt bad for making him feel uncomfortable, but I guess cancer's good for some things! :) I'll be pulling that card again whenever I can so I can take advantage of it. :) I told Ronnie that I think a relapse should secure me a visit from one of the Yankees this time instead of just an autograph....I'm thinking Derek Jeter or Mariano Rivera...is that so much to ask?!!!! :)

By the way, I'm going to keep the title of this blog as my "Team in Training Blog"...I consider myself in training, though it may be of a different sort. I'm training for my rematch (as my friend described it) with the leukemia. I intend to take it out once and for all!! And for the "Team" part, well, that would be all of you! In order to kick this in the butt again, I need your support--you are all in it with me. So it's still "Team in Training". We'll just save the marathons for next year or the year after. :)

My mom bought me a bracelet last year that reads "We are the hero of our own story", and I think of that statement often. We each are dealt our own challenges and joys, but it is how we manage them that makes us a hero. I will keep thinking of that, and looking toward the future, one that I firmly believe holds many great moments for me. I saw another cool quote on a greeting card I found when we were on our trip to Seattle this past week: "My life has a superb cast, but I can't figure out the plot" (Ashleigh Brilliant). Although at the time, I figured it simply applied to me because I don't know what I want to be when I grow up :) , now it has added meaning because I've been presented with another difficult obstacle, and I don't know what will happen even in the near future. I will take it day by day, and I am going to enjoy the little moments. Sometimes knowing the plot doesn't really matter that much as long as you're enjoying the cast of people you're with. :) Wow, deep, huh? Maybe I should write greeting cards!! hahahahaha

Speaking of my trip to Seattle, we had a wonnnnnnderful time!! I thought I'd share some of the photos with you. It was amazing that we could all sync our schedules, but we did!! We ate wonderful food, walked all over, some of us got to enjoy a Mariners game (and we REALLY enjoyed it because they beat the Red Sox :) ), had a lot of laughs and just explored the city. Plus, my dad had his ceremony for passing his lipidology exam!!! I hope you enjoy the photos.

I'll be writing more later...we found out that the hospital now has wi-fi, so I'll be able to keep up with my blog which will be therapeutic for me and informative for you! :) My final word of wisdom for everyone: Don't be sad for me, just hopeful! And come visit if you want to----I love the company. And mostly, thank you for always being there.

Photos (from the top): the whole fam at the reception after my Dad's lipidology ceremony; the outfit I wore the night of the ceremony was of great amusement to the rest of the family--leggings and a top, something I don't usually wear! :) They all joked and said I was missing the pants part of my outfit and how could I go out in public like that?! :) ; "sisters"; the whole family--Pike Market; Seattle from Kerry Park; the beautiful neighborhood surrounding Kerry Park; Laura and Tiso at my dad's ceremony; pretty produce :) ; taking the ferry from Seattle to Bainbridge Island; doing a little yoga in the Japanese gardens; me as a jellyfish at the Seattle aquarium; Mom and Dad at a Japanese restaurant

Welcome Back! Team in Training 2008

Hey everyone!!!

You know something? I missed writing in my blog the last 9 months, and the fall season for Team in Training is now up and running so I'm back!! Lucky you. :) To tell you the truth, I haven't done much training yet because I just got over a nasty cold, and I wanted to take it easy until I felt 100%. But now that I'm 100%, I'm getting ready to go to Seattle with my family, so I'll miss a training with the team, but this trip is very special. My whole family (including my brother-in-law and sister-in-law) is going, and it is quite a feat to sync our schedules. We leave tomorrow, and I'm really looking forward to it.

Even though I don't have much in the way of training to share with you yet, I thought I'd tell you a little bit about my life the past 9 months. So, I turned 30. Yah, I know. A card my cousin sent me said,"It's funny until it happens to you". So true!! I was a bit surprised by the fact that I indeed felt sad when that momentous occasion snuck up on me, but I decided I just need to make great things happen this year so that I ring in my 30s with a bang!! Thus, the 1/2 and full marathon. Also, I started working part-time which was quite a change after 3 years of unemployment! I'm interpreting with the county schools, and it seems really interesting.

A couple days after I finished the 1/2 marathon, my friend Paulina had a baby boy, Jack (or Jackecito as I affectionately call him :) ). He is adorable, and he always puts a smile on my face, even when I feel discouraged or down. I'm not trying to be depressing or anything, but lately I have felt what I interpret to be the very late effects of facing cancer. I struggle with the responsibility that I have to develop again in all aspects of life: finding a full-time job (and figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life!), cleaning, conquering my enormous to-do list. I get sad when I think that I'm 30, I'm single and I live with my parents (no offense, Mom and Dad!) :) I hope someday to fall in love and start a family, but I feel the pressure of my advancing age (hahaha, I make it sound like I'm 80 or something!!), and I realize that if I had never had leukemia, I would have had three years of my life to do this! I thought I'd share these feelings with all of you because I feel like sometimes I get preachy about cancer and how it has had a positive impact on me. I figured it was important to share some other feelings I have about it, feelings I think I've only recently acknowledged. But no worries...I am not depressed!! I just get sad, but just as I did when I had leukemia, I pick things to look forward to, and hanging out with Jack is certainly one of them!!!

Jameson and Guinness also cheer me up (look how freakin' cute they are...how could they not make me smile?!) They are at the kennel right now so it's eerily quiet in the house. On Father's Day, we're taking them to a farm near Winchester so they can try out sheep herding (Ronnie and Kathy gave this to us as a Christmas present!)...it should be really interesting!!!! I'll be sure to get some pics to add so you can see them in action! I think Guinness will probably try to make friends with the sheep and Jameson might just growl at all of them. :) Either way, it will make for a fun activity!!

Let's see...what else...My friends, Maya and Brant, got married in January, and I was honored to be a bridesmaid. It was a wonderful celebration and they have some great blackmail photos for pretty much any guest who ventured out onto the dance floor. :) It was funny because when Maya introduced each bridesmaid at the rehearsal dinner, she said a little something about them. When she introduced me, she mentioned that I overcame some great personal challenges in my life and that I was strong. She never mentioned cancer though, and I got the feeling that some other guests thought I was a drug addict. This is because the previous week, I had fallen on the ice and had some cuts and bruises on my arms (and marks from where they take blood each month!). We all got a good laugh out of that!!

We added a new extended family member in February...Addison is the first girl on either side of my family since Katie (so, in 25 years!!). I was very touched that my cousin and her husband chose me to be her godmother. She is beautiful, as you can see from the photo, not that I'd expect anything less--I mean, she IS my relative!! :) hahahaha I look forward to spending lots of time spoiling her since I consider that my duty as godmother.

I'm gonna sign off for now, but I'll be back after Seattle! I'm sure I'll have more exciting stories to share with you, and the hardcore training will begin also. Hope everyone is doing well and that the past nine months have been good for you also.

By the way, the photos are as follows: With Laura, Katie and Lori at my 30th bday party; Addison (Addy); Maya, Lori and I; Jameson; Guinness; Jack.